A sense of who I am lately

It's been quite a while since I've written, and as usual, I write in waves.

In the midst of winter, there isn't much to do other than reading and contemplating, two of my most favorite things. I've been feeling pent up, the way I usually do at this point in winter. I want to do something. You know how it is, you feel these urges to get out and do something, but you're just not quite sure what it is you wish to do. In a word: frustration. Cabin fever. The dreaded sickness of the end of winter, before life begins again. You are on the brink of a new season, you have been given a new year. But why? Why this endless cycle of life and death?

I guess I'll leave that answer to God, because He alone knows.



On a different note, it's been snowing a lot lately. More often than not, I find myself alone in this house I rent with two other girls. Living alone is not appealing to me, but I'm getting through it. I have a tug-of-war relationship with this. I don't like to be alone, but when others are around I'm not all over them and super clingy. It just feels nice to know that if I find something funny, I can share it with someone I know will appreciate it. Or if some random thing brings tears to my eyes (which happens more often than I'd like to admit) I have someone who console me. Yes, this sounds self-centered, but it works both ways.

I'm becoming more... bold? Is that the word?

Growing up I always hung onto others in social situations. I have a sister who is two years older than I am, and I would always imitate her, and hang out with her and her friends. I never liked actually being who I am around others, I used a filter. I'd let my sister tell my good stories, or say the witty remarks I whispered. I think it was something to do with my low self-esteem. If I wasn't associated with the things I did and said, what did it matter if people liked them or not? But lately I've been more myself around people who I don't know. I'm taking down those little barriers, and things have gotten better.

I still have a long way to go, but it's liberating.

I look forward to what the future holds.