Life: an update.

Summer is fading into fall, and I realize it's been far too long since I last wrote anything of any personal importance. I'm still here. Still alive. I've had a day to myself to reflect, while staying home sick from work and school. Life marches ever forward for me, but I'm kinda not sure exactly where it's going anymore. Am I just along for the ride? Have I any part in the decision of where I end up?

I'm on the "F" track. I always laugh when I tell this to other people. But deep inside, I wonder sometimes if I really am setting myself up for failure. Teaching is a wonderful idea. But will I be any good at it?

I have so many dreams of how life will turn out for me. I remember back when I was a young child I always wanted to be married by the time I was 18 so that I would be young when I had children and get to spend as much time with them as possible. I wanted to be alive for great great grand children. I'd tell myself to find a highschool sweetheart and go from there...

Needless to say that never happened. And the me of today does not feel ready, a full 2 years past my former deadline of marriage. In theory it would've been great. But then... who am I to say what will or will not happen to me? I may never marry. I may be married within the next 8 months. I have no control here. And sometimes it scares me, but other times it excites me.

I leave my life in God's extremely capable hands. Capable of protecting me. Capable of encouraging and comforting me. The only one who loves me all the time, even when I get into my terrible moods and become a monster. He's the one who tells me that I'm beautiful because He made me that way.

Sometimes I just have to remind myself.

Just the beginning (I sincerely hope)

I did it!

I began my life. Well, my life the way I'd like to live it always. The life of an adventurer.

It all began with an idea, as most great adventures do. Colorado, backpacking for about a week. Colorado has long been on the list of places I wished to actually set foot in. My family had driven through on the way to what they thought were better, more exciting places further west, but were poorly mistaken in their travel plans. I spent one of the most rewarding weeks of my life in hiking boots that I wore down to the sole and with a heavy pack on my back.

The air may be thinner out there, but it was full of something the air here in Wisconsin has been lacking lately: possibility. Each day brought new challenges, and new friends to help me face and overcome them. There were hills that I felt were impossible to climb until I reached the top. And the reward of climbing to the top of a difficult hill there was spectacular views of the mountains. Well worth any trouble.

There are so many new and exciting places to see in the time I've been given on this earth, and I feel the wanderlust to venture to soak in more and more of them!

But a few new experiences from this adventure:

-camping in a Walmart's parking lot.

-the now infamous exploding gas can.

-backpacking.

-the amazing sight of the night sky in all its wonder, with no light pollution, so clear that I could see the Milky Way.

-communicating with nature (some do so figuratively, I prefer the more literal approach:)

-being within arm's reach of a hummingbird (one of my favorite creatures!)

a beautiful song i wish i had never heard.

Warning: This song can and will most likely makes you cry. Jeff Buckley's rendition of Lover, You Should've Come Over is a lover's lament of how he messed up a relationship. There are no words to describe how it makes me feel at the moment. In the words of Ron Burgundy, I'm in a glass case of emotion. I have given up on relationships. I really want no part in one for a very long while, and this song just reminds me of things that are better forgotten. Anyone would have to be heartless to not feel something when listening to this song, though. The lyrics alone would be enough, but add in some of Jeff Buckley's amazing melodies, and it's just gorgeous.


Looking out the door i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know
Broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much i need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So i'll wait for you and i'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe i'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
Well I feel too young to hold on
And i'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done

Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well i'm waiting for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

yearning to explore.

I've spent my entire Memorial Day watching Planet Earth. Believe me, it takes a hold of you and pulls you in so many different directions. Sure, viewing these amazing things in HD is okay, but I want to see them, to experience them first hand. I want to see the gigantic cave in New Mexico, journey to India to see the elephants and pygmy hogs, not just see something that so many others see.

Last week I went to Devil's Lake with a few friends and got just a small taste of what exploring the world is like, and now I want more!

But enough about that, it isn't helping much to babble on and on about all these things, when God wants me to travel to new and exciting places, he will send me there. Until then I get to spend my summer in Wisconsin, seeing the beauty God has surrounded me with here.

Spring is back again.

It's been raining for the past couple days, yet again. I feel caged-up, like this rain isn't causing just the world to come back to life, but myself as well. The artistic itch has my skin crawling and me just a bit restless. I want to DO something. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I want to paint a mural, one that covers a sky-scraper. It feels like I would have to turn myself inside out just to get all of these thoughts, emotions, and ideas out of me. Exams are coming up soon, and then summer will sweep in. I want to see the sun again. The winters last too long in this Northern state, the world falls asleep for so long that you forget what it feels like to see green. Not just see it -- smell it, feel it, be it. I feel like I just woke up from the most wonderful dream and need to remember it before it slips away. 

Spring, what a season. 

I'm itching to take a trip to Chicago, and might get to meet the amazing kid in the link above. Life is too exciting to sleep! 

the most attractive thing.

I attended a concert last night that was arguably one of the best I have ever seen/experienced. I literally fell in love with one of the bands. The lights dimmed, and the magenta/cerulean light cast down from above wove together with sweet acoustic guitar melodies to wrap me in enchantment. Kristian Matsson, aka The Tallest Man on Earth, has one of the most unique and beautiful voices I have ever had the pleasure to hear. The range from soft and sweet to loud and raspy and almost tormented just melted me into a puddle in my chair. Sitting in the front row, I continually locked eyes with him, and felt his voice ripping me to shreds. I don't think any single human being could have gone through that and not felt something in their world shift. 

The most attractive thing ever is witnessing someone who is truly passionate and good at what they do, do it. Whether it's a gardener, a musician, an artist, or even an accountant, nobody is immune to the affects of being in the presence of someone in their moment of truly being who they are to the greatest extent. We all want that for ourselves, and are so very attracted to it in others. I know that's how it was for me. 

Done.

It's over. On Monday my now ex came over to "talk things out" because we'd been having issues. I said hello and gave him a kiss. He came inside my apartment, took off his shoes and his coat, and then sat next to me on the couch. We sat in silence for a good 10 seconds before I asked him what was going on. His face screwed around for a bit, like he didn't want to say what he was going to say, and then it came. "We can't be together anymore." No talking, no crying, no fighting, no nothing. He then asked me "Is there anything you want to say?" I had compiled a list of things that day, thinking I could actually to him about them, but they didn't matter if it was all over anyway. I told him exactly that. I knew it had been over days before when he said he didn't think I was the person he was meant to be with. So what if he didn't "let me down gently" psh. As if he's capable of such a thing. He had the audacity to say "I still have feelings for you" before he left. Yeah, great to know. I seriously doubt that he has the emotional capacity to love anyone or anything but himself. This one's for you, ex-lover. 

"Cold As You" Taylor Swift.

And when you take, you take the very best of me.
So I start a fight 'cause I need to feel somethin'
And you do what you want 'cause I'm not what you wanted.

Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say.
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you.

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray.
And I stood there lovin' you and washed them all away.
And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.

Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
So just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say.
And now that I'm sittin' here thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you.

You never did give a damn thing, honey.
But I cried, cried for you.
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you.
(Died for you)

Oh, what a shame.
What a rainy ending give to a perfect day. Every smile you fake is so condescending. 
Counted all the scars you made. 
Now that I'm sittin her thinkin' it through, I've never been anywhere cold as you

love?

Valentine's Day was yesterday. My relationship has been extremely rocky lately, and nothing has been done to change that. This uncertainty has been tearing me apart. So, I found a song to post about what's been happening. It's a blast from the past, but it fits so well into the situation I find myself in that I can't help but fall in love with No Doubt all over again. Some of Gwen Stefani's new stuff I might not like so much, but there is no denial about the raw truths that she sings about so beautifully in this song. I need strength, and this song does that for me. 

You and me 
We used to be together
Every day together always 

I really feel 
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe 
This could be the end 

It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real, 
Well I don't want to know 

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining 
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons 
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts 

Our memories
They can be inviting
But some are altogether 
Mighty frightening 

As we die, both you and I 
With my head in my hands 
I sit and cry 

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining 
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts no no no
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons 
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts 

It's all ending,
I gotta stop pretending who we are... 

You and me 
I can see us dying... are we? 

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining 
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts no no
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons 
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't speak don't speak don't speak 
No I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you good I know you good
I know you real good oh 

La la la la la la la la la
Don't don't ooh ooh
Hush hush darling
Hush hush darling
Hush hush don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Hush hush darling
Hush hush darling
Hush hush don't tell me 'cause it hurts 

my favorite snow-covered memory

So many times I experience the beauty that surrounds us on this earth whilst alone. I feel filled with glory and joy at the sight of how lovely our home here on this planet can be, and yet sad that I have nobody to share it with in the moment. This is my attempt to tell you how this scene has imprinted itself inside my mind, my safe haven.

I was cross country skiing at a camp up in the north woods of Wisconsin. It was beautiful, the sun had reached its zenith well over an hour earlier, and was sinking ever closer to the outer edge of the sky. I was in the back of my group, and was taking my sweet time moving through the rather large forest we found ourselves surrounded by. The clouds parted, and the sun streamed through the trees. It had snowed 10 inches just a day or two before we arrived, and it still perfectly coated the ground. The trees stretched infitely high, and the image of the sun spilling across them and the freshly fallen snow just about brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was surrounded by Narnia, the gorgeous land C.S. Lewis deemed worthy of his chroniclization.

That was one of my favorite moments.
Outside.
In the snow.
Surrounded by the beauty God has bestowed on our humble planet.